I live in two different realities. Such intense virulent
hatred for myself pervades every thought when I’m outside. Insecurities,
doubts, and apprehensions cloud my mind as I walk through life. Take today for
an example. I was fine in the morning. My hair was bouncy and curly and my
image of my body in the mirror in the morning spoke of a busy college student,
casually dressed but still stylish, ready for the day. But my image of myself
completely transformed as the day went on. On the train, I put my feet up on
the seat in front of me. It was relaxing and there was no one on that seat.
When the conductor came around to check passes, she told me to put my feet
down. A totally normal request for an employee to make about the possible vandalizing
of the property of her company. She had always seemed like the loyal type of
employee to me. But I had my headphone plugged in and could not hear a word she
said until a few seconds later. Again, something that happens to the people of
today quite commonly. That was when my self-confidence took a hit.
Why?
Is my sense of self-worth really that fragile? I felt
slightly embarrassed at the moment that it happened and then with every passing
mile that the train ran over, my embarrassment grew. It grew until I sunk
further and further down my seat, watching my periphery for the train
conductor. Again, why do I feel like everyone everywhere is constantly watching
and judging me.
Then I came to Suburban station and walked up the flights of
stairs to go to the trolley section. As I walk, and this is something I think
literally every time I do the same walk, I think I must be walking really
quickly. Automatically, as I slow down, I start thinking that if I walk too
slowly people are going to take one look at my enormous thighs and think “wow,
this fatty can barely walk”. So I start walking quickly again and remember,
once again, that walking too quickly is better than having other people think
those thoughts of me.
Now I’m standing at the trolley stop waiting for the trolley
trying not to let my breathing get too loud or pant-y from that fast walk I
just did. This part is usually normal. I’m silent and keep my bitch-face one so
no one will talk to me. But today, when the trolley came, there were not as
many seats as there normally is and I couldn’t find a seat all to myself. So I
kind of trudged up and fell into a seat next to this lady who was smartly
dressed. I accidentally stepped on her foot (klutz, smh) and immediately apologized.
But she looks over at me and tsk-tsk-ed like I had just yelled and slapped her
face. I was kind of smiling when I said sorry and I think she felt mollified (I’ve
noticed that a smile can calm even the most ruffled of feathers). But that left
me feeling kind of like she had slapped me instead, provoked for no reason. So
the moment the seat in front of me cleared, I leapt out and sat there.
Then I finally came to campus and went up the stairs to
above Starbucks. There was a room available and after I got settled in there, I
dimmed my computer screen to use as a makeshift mirror to check on my hair. Remember
all that bouncy confidence I felt in my hair that morning? All gone. I absolutely
hated how I looked. I felt that distant but emphatic embarrassment that people
had to look at my face the way it looked right now. I had contacts in,
something I never have on. But with no makeup or even eyeliner/mascara I felt
so gross. I don’t even feel human anymore. I feel like a stick that is just
dressed appropriately every day. If that stick is not properly shown to the public
then it’s kind of like (and this is my mind chastising itself) “what is your
point even?” I sat there for 2 and a half hours alone trying to come to terms
with my distant but very present embarrassment that I looked so ugly today.
And it doesn’t matter if I actually do make a 40-minute
effort to make up my face and come to school face-pretty. Because then I fixate
on my swollen lumpy body in all its excessiveness ugliness. That’s not so
easily fixed so that hatred stays there. I mean, it’s always there but I get
distracted sometimes.
Finally, Komal came and things were okay.
When it was time, I went to the STC for the Case exam on
CHF. I got my stuff out, ready, with no phone, etc. and sat down next to Komal.
Soon, people started trickling in to the room. I had seen those faces a
thousand times maybe, but could not name them nor could they recognize me. At
one point, Brandon came in along with that really pretty blond girl. She
usually dresses in sweatpants/hoodie and barely seems to give a care about her
appearance. But today, she had curled her hair, worn the student appreciation
day shirt, and some tight ripped skinny jeans. She looked so effortlessly
beautiful that I could not stop staring. I saw other guys and girls looking at
her and wished with a little twinge of my heart that I had even a hope of
getting that kind of reaction.
The exam was pathetic and I died in a million different ways.
But finally, it had also passed. For the next hour, I worked on some school
items and pulled my hair up into a ponytail because it was so humid and hot.
The minute I did that though, I realized my baby hairs were going to stand up
and form little half-moon curlicues around my face. I looked so…..FOB-y. It’s
embarrassing to be 21 years old and still not have figured your hair out.
All of these are minor but instead of one insecurity coming
after the other, it’s more like they pile on top of each other like Jenga. I
keep them balanced for the most part, until something major comes along and it,
along with me, topples. Today, it was the train ride home. I could feel a
massive headache coming on and pulled my hair down from the tight high pony to
a more loose low ponytail. The minute I looked up, I saw my sister sitting in
the seat in front of me. Did she see me? Why didn’t she sit next to me? Why
didn’t make eye contact? And then I was thinking about how a sister can reject
you so easily when I have tried SO. MANY. TIMES. to be as friendly and nice as
possible. How can she not talk to me for weeks? What kind of an evil brain is
she hiding in there? All those times I walked into her room and comforted her
and made her laugh when she was crying about school. All those times, our
parents’ combined parenting really grated on her nerves and got her all
strung-up. All the times I interceded with them on her behalf. And now she has
no problem just ignoring me. Really makes you wonder your self-worth with the
people who were supposed to love you no matter what.
This was combined with the fact that there was an incredibly
beautiful blond sitting next to me with perfect face and makeup, calmly and
with great poise looking through her iPad. Every semi-good looking guy stared
at her downturned face as they walked down the train aisle. Like, what? I never
illicit that kind of a reaction. That was around the time, I looked out the
window feeling my face turn into a sad expression, and decided that if I feel
so ugly maybe I should start wearing makeup everyday. At least, I feel
face-pretty then. At least, then, I can look at people without wanting to turn
my face away.
